A few months into his second term as president, Donald Trump stood before the White House press corps to make a special announcement.
“Thank you all for being here. Today, I am pleased to announce that Canada has agreed to become our 51st state. Many people said it couldn’t be done, but I got it done. I threatened them with tariffs, but it wasn’t my threat to impose tariffs on all Canadian goods that got them to agree — it was my threat to block Netflix. I saw a poll that showed that Canadians are willing to give up American beer, but not our streaming services. They’re addicted to our entertainment. Bigly. So I said to Governor Trudeau, we are going to block Netflix, Hulu and other streaming services immediately, and if that doesn’t work, we are going to send Justin Bieber back to Canada. And he said, ‘No, please don’t do that. I love Yellowstone. Let me talk to everyone here and see what we can do.’ And within 48 hours, he got support from all the top people in Canada. Even Drake signed off on it. I’m willing to take six or seven questions and then I have to run.”
Reporter: “What is the next step in making Canada the 51st state?”
Trump: “We are still in the process of figuring everything out, but here are some initial things we are going to do. Canadian Bacon will now be known as American Bacon. Canada Dry will become America Dry. And the Canadian Museum for Human Rights will become the American Museum for Human Righteousness.”
Reporter: “But Canada Dry is a brand owned by an American company.”
Trump: “Elon has agreed to buy the company and change the name. He will do the same with Canadian Tire, Real Canadian Superstore and Air Canada. But we will not change all the names, just enough for Canadians to feel that they are Americans too. Just like Californians are also Americans, except the ones who crossed the border illegally. It’s been a big problem, border crossings, especially under BIDEN and that’s one of the reasons why I decided to eliminate the northern border. As I told Vice President Vance, you can cross the border all you like now, just don’t cross me.”
Reporter: “What about representation in the Senate and House of Representatives? Has that been worked out?”
Trump: “Yes, we will initially give Canada two seats in the Senate and 24 seats in the House. And we will double the number of seats if they vote the way we like.”
Reporter: “Canada has a universal healthcare system. Will Canadians still have access to it?”
Trump: “We are going to have a grandfather clause. Anyone who is a grandfather will have access to healthcare.”
Reporter: “What about grandmothers?”
Trump: “Grandmothers will be eligible for Trumpcare.”
Reporter: “Can you share any details on Trumpcare?”
Trump: “We are still working on the concept. It will be bigger and better than Obamacare, the best healthcare plan the world has ever seen. Everyone in Canada will be eligible for coverage under Trumpcare. They will pay a small monthly premium, and every time they visit the hospital, they will just need to hand over one Trump meme coin.”
Reporter: “What about the photos of King Charles in all the public buildings? Will those remain?”
Trump: “Those will be removed. We will not be part of the British monarchy. We have our own monarchy.”
