MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN

The undecideds who will decide America's fate

Wednesday, 25 Sep, 2024
Photo by Letizia Bordoni on Unsplash (Photo provided by Melvin Durai)

Election polls continue to show a tight race between presidential candidates Donald Trump and Kamala Harris. After every major event, including the recent presidential debate, TV networks assemble groups of undecided voters to ask them whether the event has swayed them in any way. Are they leaning toward Trump, leaning toward Harris or still as clueless as before?

Watching from their living rooms, all the “decided” voters can’t help shaking their heads in disbelief. “How can anyone still be undecided?” they ask each other. “These candidates are so different from each other. It’s like being undecided whether to drink a glass of wine or a glass of battery acid.”

Indeed, the two candidates are so dissimilar that it should be fairly easy to choose one over the other. And yet the fate of America depends on a small percentage of undecided voters. Who are these voters? And why is it so hard for them to decide?

Let’s meet one of them: Matt, a 30-year-old man who lives in Detroit, the largest city in Michigan.

Matt finds himself going back and forth between Trump and Harris. Sometimes it’s Harris in the morning, Trump in the afternoon, Harris in the evening, and Trump at night — during one of Matt’s nightmares.

“I don’t feel that I have enough information,” Matt told his friend Jalen.

“I know,” Jalen said. “If only one of them had been president before.”

Matt laughed. “I know Trump has been president before, but Harris has not. If we had two former presidents running against each other, the decision would be easier.”

Jalen shook his head. He remembered what had happened a week ago at the Wendy’s restaurant they had visited. Matt caused a long backup at the drive-thru window, all because he couldn’t decide whether to get a vanilla or chocolate Frosty.

“Sir, please make up your mind,” the drive-thru worker said. “People are waiting to order.”

“I’m trying,” Matt said. “Can you give me more information about the chocolate?”

Finally the restaurant manager had to intervene. “Just buy the vanilla, sir,” she told Matt through the speaker. “We’ll give you the chocolate for free. You can have both.”

“Sounds good,” Matt said. “But maybe I should buy the chocolate and get the vanilla for free.”

“That would be fine, too,” the manager said.

“Okay. Give me a minute to decide.”

The manager almost pulled out her hair. “Sir, please take both for free,” she shouted.
Matt enjoyed both Frosties. When he told his girlfriend Jennifer about the free desserts, she said, “Chocolate is better. I always get chocolate.” Then she smiled and added, “I understand how difficult these decisions can be.”

But Matt didn’t get much sympathy from his other girlfriend, Ashley. “You need to learn to make choices,” she said.

Matt just nodded. He knew that one of these days, he’d have to stop being “undecided” and choose between Jennifer and Ashley. They were both so wonderful. No wonder some people in Utah practiced polygamy. But Matt would never do that. Sooner or later, he needed to make a decision.

Thankfully he couldn’t yet afford an engagement ring. 

Having a full-time job would have helped, of course. But unfortunately for Matt, the last time he applied for jobs, he received two good offers.

Instead of choosing, Matt accepted a part-time job at a grocery store, where he often marveled at how quickly customers decided whether to buy white or whole wheat bread.

Once, while shopping with Ashley, Matt found himself stuck in the bread aisle, reading all the labels. 

“Just pick one,” Ashley said. “We don’t have much time.”

“I’m trying to,” Matt said. “I don’t feel that I have enough information.”