MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN

Trump-Harris debate captivates a nation

Wednesday, 18 Sep, 2024
(Photo provided by Melvin Durai)

For almost two hours on Sept. 10, 2024, more than 60 million Americans were glued to their TV screens as they watched the latest episode of the drama series “Donald Trump’s Conspiracy Theories and Lies.”

Trump faced his presidential rival Kamala Harris for the first time, with David Muir and Linsey Davis of ABC News serving as moderators.

In case you missed it, here is an excerpt:

MUIR: “I want to begin tonight with the economy and the cost of living in this country. Vice President Harris, do you believe Americans are better off than they were four years ago?”

HARRIS: “So let's talk about where we were four years ago. Donald Trump left us the worst unemployment since the Great Depression. Donald Trump left us the worst public health epidemic in a century. Donald Trump left us the worst attack on our democracy since the Civil War.”

MUIR: “President Trump, do you want to respond?”

TRUMP: “She keeps saying ‘Donald Trump left us.’ I didn’t leave. I’m still here. But I’m glad you brought up the economy, because under Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, we have the worst border crisis in history. Millions of people are pouring into our country from prisons and jails, from mental institutions and insane asylums. And they're taking jobs from African Americans and Hispanics. But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is that, in Springfield, Ohio, they’re abducting pets and eating them. They’re eating cats, they’re eating dogs. And if you vote for Kamala Harris, they will eat your cats and dogs too. A vote for Kamala is a vote for more pet-eating. We’ll have no more dogs and cats in America. You’ll have to get a pet snake. But they’ll eat that too!”

MUIR: “President Trump, that is not true. We spoke to the city manager in Springfield and he says there is no evidence of this.”

TRUMP: “It’s true — I saw it on TV. A man was talking about his beloved German Shepherd. One day, his dog went missing. And the next day, an immigrant on his street, who used to be quite thin, was suddenly very fat. He had gained 80 pounds overnight! And he was running down the street, barking at everyone.” 

DAVIS: “I want to turn to the issue of abortion. President Trump, last year, you said that you were proud to be the most pro-life president in American history. Then last month you said that your administration would be great for women and their reproductive rights. How do you explain this?”

TRUMP: “I believe in states’ rights. Each state must decide what state to leave women in. It will be like the beautiful Electoral College. One state will be red: no abortions. Another state will be green: go get one there. But the Democrats are too radical. They want to have abortions in the eighth or ninth month after the baby is born.” 

DAVIS: “Madam vice president, I want to get your response.”

HARRIS: “Here are the facts: in over 20 states, there are Trump abortion bans. Women who need abortions can’t get them. And couples who pray and dream of having a family are being denied IVF treatments, all because of Donald Trump.”

TRUMP: “It's a lie. I have been a leader on IVF which is fertilization. I have been a leader on fertilization, and also, if any farmers are watching, I have been a leader on fertilizer. To have a strong country, we need both fertilization and fertilizer. I will not ban either one.”

MUIR: “We're going to turn now to immigration and border security. Vice President Harris, we know that illegal border crossings reached a record high in the Biden administration. What would you do differently?”

HARRIS: “Here’s what I would do: I would take all the people who attend Donald Trump’s rallies and hire them as border agents. They would have more fun watching the border than listening to him talk. They wouldn’t need to leave his rallies early out of exhaustion and boredom.”

MUIR: “President Trump, would you like to respond?”

TRUMP: “At least people come to my rallies. People don't go to her rallies. There's no reason to go. And the people that do go, she's bussing them in and paying them to be there. That’s how they’re inflating their job numbers. People don't leave my rallies. We have the biggest rallies, the most incredible rallies in history. Maybe Jesus had more people come to see him, but no one else.”