Q: What can women do to avoid being viewed as intimidating by guys? It seems that when guys learn you are educated and successful, they tend to get very intimidated. It is so disheartening, especially after having worked so hard to achieve my education and professional goals.
A: I'm sorry to hear that you’re feeling disheartened–that won't be of any help in the dating process. I think it's time for a mindset shift. I'd like to encourage you to confidently consider your educational and professional accomplishments as assets, as opposed to liabilities in your dating efforts. To help you get there, I'd like to share statistics you (and other accomplished female readers) will find reassuring.

Nearly half of all single women believe their professional success is intimidating to the guys they meet. However, a 2005 article in the American Journal of Sociology, based on a study of interpersonal relationships in 60 communities nationwide concludes that women in positions of power are sexier to guys than women in less powerful positions.
According to research by Christine Whelan, an Oxford-educated scholar of social history and author of Marry Smart: The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to True Love:
- As many as 71% of high-achieving men said a woman's educational or career success makes her more desirable as a wife.
- As many as 92% of men who describe themselves as either "very successful" or “successful" say they are more attracted to women who are successful in their careers.
- As many as 89% of high-achieving men say they'd like to marry, or have already married, a woman who is as or more intelligent than they are.
- As many as 68% of single high-achieving men report that they would like to marry a woman who is as committed to her career as they are to theirs.

Now are there guys who are genuinely turned off or intimidated by successful women? Unfortunately, yes. So just don't waste your valuable time with those guys. Given the findings above, there are many guys out there who will view your accomplishments favorably. The good news is that it is a myth that men are generally turned off by successful women. The bad news is that this myth can become a self-fulfilling prophecy for successful women who believe it to be true.
By buying into this myth, some successful women unintentionally can be their own worst detractors in dating. Hear me out here. If guys were generally turned off by women's success, there would not be much that women with high educational and/or professional aspirations could do (apart from lowering their standards for themselves). Consider the possibility that successful women, who become anxious about turning guys off, may give off negative or desperate vibes and that those women's own attitude, rather than success, may be what is actually repelling men. Given that our attitudes are under our control, we can do something about them.
Below are some concrete things successful women can do:
- Let guys know what you do in a confident and not arrogant manner.
- Transition into discussions about non-work-related topics and interests.
- Ask men about what they do, both professionally and for fun.
- Actively listen and show interest in the guy’s responses.
- Make time in your busy life for guys so they know they will be a priority and not always take a second-seat to your career.

Finally, keep in mind that certain demeanors or traits that may be perceived in a positive light in certain professional settings may be perceived in a negative light in personal relationships. Examples include being particularly non-conciliatory and hard-driving.
Best Wishes!

Jasbina Ahluwalia, a second generation Indian-American is a former practicing lawyer with a graduate degree in philosophy and the founder of Intersections Match, the only national, elite, personalized, introduction service for singles of South Asian descent.
Have a relationship/dating question? South Asian Times readers are welcome to submit questions directly to Jasbina at jasbina@intersectionsmatch.com with 'South Asian Times' as the subject line, and questions will be selected to appear in an issue next month. For more information, visit www.IntersectionsMatch.com.